The North Pole Gazette
“Santa forced to outsource; Christmas canceled”
North Pole Kristofer Kringle, aka “Santa,” the CEO of the world’s largest toy distributor Santa Claus, Inc., announced Monday that Christmas has officially been canceled this year. “He just couldn’t compete this Christmas,” stated Santa’s button-nosed and visibly melting senior spokesman, Fross T. Snowman, at a press conference in front of Santa’s Los Angeles factory. A statement released to the press from Santa stated, “I must regretfully inform the world that Christmas has officially been canceled this year. I will be moving my factories out of the United States and back to the North Pole after the New Year to reduce the strain the federal tax code places on our competitiveness. I am confident that the North Pole’s vastly more favorable FairTax system will better position the company to become a leader in the industry once again.” Mr. Snowman went on to denounce any speculation concerning the deteriorating health of Santa, but did reveal that Mr. Claus was quite unjolly at the moment.
While millions around the world are surely shocked by the news, analysts closely following Santa Claus, Inc. are not. The Wall Street Journal reported lower than average July numbers and the layoff of over 25,000 union elves after last year’s peak season as evidence of Santa’s decline. Advisors close to Santa have said that a main culprit for the decision was the federal tax system, which was killing his competitiveness and driving up consumer prices. Economists have shown that the current federal tax code places as high as a 22 percent price disadvantage on American products over their foreign competitors. This is because foreign products bear no federal tax burden when imported here, while exported American products bear both the costs of our federal taxes and foreign taxation.
Although this is the first time Christmas has been canceled, the long history of close calls is well known. Most notably, the Great Fog of 1964 in which Rudy R. Nose, now head of logistics for Santa, was nearly dismissed from Santa’s fleet after being charged with “aggravated assault while reindeer gaming.” Mr. Nose, however, was subsequently recalled as an emergency light specialist and credited with saving Christmas in 1964. Other close calls include the Miracle on 34th Street in 1947 when Santa was held up in judicial matters and also in 1897 when Santa grew ill from children’s lack of believing; the New York Sun’s editorial “Yes, Virginia there is a Santa Claus” gathered the needed support to save Christmas.
As Christmas lovers everywhere are sure to be devastated by the news, there are still some pleased by the cancellation. Tax lobbyist and year-round Christmas loather Mr. Grinch was overjoyed when the news hit, saying, “I have been waiting for this all my life; it’s a dream come true. I’ve tried old-fashioned sabotage schemes but nothing has worked. This year I got a wonderfully awful idea. You want to know my great Grinchy trick to kill Christmas and make money doing it? Why, by lobbying of course!” Manipulation of the tax code is, of course, big business and the most powerful of the power games in Washington, where roughly half of all lobbyists are said to be tax lobbyists. Others happy about the cancellation of Christmas include Black Bart, who was on Santa’s naughty list and expecting coal anyway; old man Scrooge, who is looking forward to another cold and cranky day of work; and foreign toy manufacturers, who are sure to see sales skyrocket. Hope for Christmas still looms as the president has ordered Congress to hold a special session next week to discuss how to save Christmas.
Stay tuned for developments.